Paragraphs I wrote during my more manic episodes between 2015-2017. Although all of them still fester in my head I have managed to overcome these thoughts and push them away when they start to take over. I also have no memory of writing these hence "an episode". I have also added a handwriting example to show you the comparison between my normal handwriting and how dissociative disorders can effect physical characteristics of your personality.
Some are slightly over dramatic but you can blame the 16 year old angst and many are grammatically poor. I have tried to stay accurate to the original note because it shows the degradation of the notes as they become more and more extreme.
Note 1 + 2
"It's like being in a current. A current which continuously pulls you back but 'happiness' is at the other end and no matter how hard you try to wade through it, swim, struggle, its all useless. and people say they are there for you, they will try and get you out but they are all on the bank with rocks. and they tell you to just get out, to float or swim but you cant. so they try to help, they say 'use armbands', 'here have this float', 'have my boat' but when they try to throw the floats out to you they are just rocks. Rocks tied to you and making it harder. and when they see its just a rock they tell you to let go of it because its dragging you down but they cant see its tied to you. so they tell you to cut it but give you more rocks. you cant cut anything. but sometimes it works and you find a boulder to hold onto or a calm bit of water to rest on but they still tell you to get out of the water when you are tired and exhausted and your eyes are red from crying and all you want to do is lie down and rest until the current inevitably picks up again and pulls you away"
"Should i talk about my emotions to people and unload my shit on to them. many will run away, some will stay but call me melodramatic and emotional and very few will listen but will be weighed down too. Or do i carry on smiling but not caring and keep up this facade to others but be self torturing inside and poisoning myself with thoughts but keep others happy and appear normal... should i keep others happy or should i make them run... ignorance is bliss... for everyone else."
Note 4 + 5
"I don't know how to deal with people when all they ask is hoe much revision I've done etc and i only reply with "not much" when actually I'm thinking " I'm so upset its hard to get up in the mornings and do anything and it feels like a 100 tonne ball is tying me down. so of course i haven't done much revision... i struggle to get out of bed let alone sit down with just my thoughts for hours". these peoples words keep annoying me, but its not their fault. I don't tell them anything but i have no one else to direct my anger at other than the, or myself... and I don't want to add to my 100 tonne weight on my chest so i just give my anger to them."
"'How are you?'
Answer: ' I'm tired' 'I'm fine' 'I'm sad'
Reality: 'I'm so tired that even if I sleep for 10 hours I feel weak, I want nothing more to stay still and not move but I still haul myself around even if it feels like 10 tonnes have been strapped to my limbs, the worlds problems are clinging on my back and chest and my joints have been glues together... but I still get up to keep you happy... to make you believe it's 'fine''"
"I'm tearful - I want to curl up and cry
I'm tired -but I want to sleep for 20 hours
I'm not hungry - but I don't feel full
I'm weak - but I want to be able to get up
I'm scared - but I cant run
I'm angry - but not at you
I feel heavy - but I want to run away from this
I'm distracted - but I want to listen
I'm not interested - but somethings look fun...
I'm feel guilty - but I've done nothing...
"Sad? unhappy? depressed? melancholy? distressed? tearful? gloomy? mournful? uncheerful? poignant? discontentment? sorrow? weepiness? pain? hurt? aanger? disastrous? harrowing? pitiful? worthless? helpless? deplorable? bad? guilty? useless? despondent? discouraged? hopeless? despairing? wretched? heartbroken? demoralising? dehumanising? morose? pessimist? dejected? rejected? ripped? hurting? dragged? dismal? sorry? bereaved? pensive? All yet none of these words describe how I feel.
"Everyone thinks I'm a happy person so when I'm sad they try to remind me of my 'good' life. They tell me I have a good family, good friends, and everyone loves me. But that just makes it worse, it makes me feel guilty because what right do I have to feel like this when other have it so much worse."
"I don't talk to people not because I don't care but because I hate sympathy. I just want to be better. I'm scared they won't believe me. I'm worried they will think I'm overreacting or lying... hell, I'm scared I am just overreacting or lying because if I am there won't be an excuse for them nit to call me a liar, useless, mean, cruel and manipulative... I won't even be able to tell myself I'm not. but I'm even ,ore afraid of sympathy."
"Freak, what kind of person can't stay happy. not pretty enough not smart enough not popular enough not happy enough
I hate my mind
be happy why cant you be happy
Short lived bliss"
Note 13 , 14, 15 + 16
"I can't use words to talk about the weather let alone talk about emotions. I am shit at conveying feelings. when people ask what's wrong I can only say 'I'm sad' but what I really mean is 'I feel everything is useless. I think too much and my thoughts wont shut up'. It starts innocent but soon I realise it's worthless. Everything is worthless. People are egotistical, they only care about what benefits them even if they don't mean to. Everything in your life: friends, grades, achievements, talents they will all be used for someone else's benefit be it your boss, teacher, friend or family. no one cares about your individual personality until it's gone. No one wakes up in the morning and thinks 'I wish I listened to what my friend had to say yesterday' until they have gone Once someones dead or left then they care, then it's 'my friend loved this', 'my friend was an individual'. Friends are only your friends because you relate to THEM. EGOTISTICAL. You may think 'this is great, we relate. I've finally found someone who understands me' but they only understand what they want to. We are all guilty of this. People say they love you but they only love some parts of you. Your friends love the bits that relate to them, society loves the talent and money and family loves the part that is genetically like them and I don't blame anyone. I'm also like this... we can't stop t but it means being your own person is pointless no one cares if they don't relate not because they want to (although some do) but because they can't care... they don't understand. so the true you... the dark and the light, good and disgusting is left for you to understand and your voices in your head to help you with. But if the voices turn against you... if the voices in your head become egotistical, selfish and mean you have no one left who understand. No one who care. You're not even helpless because help implies someone is there... but they aren't. This is worthlessness."
Hand writing comparison